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@Work Advice: Karla L. Miller offers tips on dealing with toxic work relationships



My boss’s expectations

are never clear. She gets frustrated when I ask her to clarify. She changed her mind four times in 90 seconds the other day.



I’ve been working

with someone who is a toxic garbage nightmare. I’ve been getting more tense and withdrawn.

Karla: It may start out fine: A dream job sweeps you off your feet. It starts to have ups and downs, but you hang in there. Then one day you realize you’ve driven home in tears every night for six months. You’re dealing with management promising your clients the impossible, a clinically sadistic boss, a harassment campaign that no one in power takes seriously. Maybe the relationship is just a bad fit that brings out the worst in both of you.

With apologies to Dan Savage: Why not dump the [malefactor] already?

If it were that simple, you would have by now. Financial dependency is the most common obstacle. Or you’ve convinced yourself it’s not that bad. Or you’re trapped in an abuse/honeymoon cycle: Just as you’re ready to walk, you’re wooed back with a raise, a promotion or comp time (which you never seem to be allowed to take). Maybe you believe you’ll never do better, with your outdated skills and skinny résumé.

Here’s the thing: You can have many jobs — even many careers — in a lifetime, but you get only one mind. Once you’re driven out of it, it’s awfully hard to get back in.

If you haven’t already, try simply asking for whatever would make your job bearable: telecommuting, flex hours, a transfer. If your other options range from “mental breakdown” to “making out with document shredder,” what have you got to lose?

If you’ve tried addressing the source of your misery, or that source’s supervisor (a minefield I can’t possibly navigate here — stay tuned for a future column), and see no change — or are targeted for retaliation — then the toxicity is too entrenched for you to fix. Time for an escape plan.

Quietly line up what you’ll need to get yourself to a better place: training, savings, legal advice. Lean on your personal network for perspective and support. If you feel guilty about leaving others behind, remember that you can’t help them while you’re one of them. Get out, get stable, then throw them a rope.

Even if it’s a struggle to reestablish yourself, I still bet you’ll wonder why you waited so long.

Karla L. Miller won the Magazine’s @Work Advice Contest. Miller, 39, lives with her family in South Riding, Va. For 16 years, she has written for and edited tax publications, most recently for the Washington National Tax office of accounting firm KPMG LLP. E-mail us at wpmagazine@washpost.com with any questions for Karla about work angst. And keep letting us know what you think of her advice.

The mystery of God’s love revealed

The mystery of God’s love revealed

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.”
John 1:1

Though the language is different, the prologue from the gospel of John is no less a birth narrative than the beloved stories of Christ’s nativity, we heard told by Matthew and Luke on Christmas Eve.

 

When a word is spoken, a new reality is born. We see this in our own words. Whether we speak words that hurt or heal, we have the power to change people’s lives.  How much more can come from the Word of God?

 

In the opening words of John’s prologue, “In the beginning,” we are taken back to the day when God created heaven and earth and it was good. John tells us, the creative life-giving Word spoken that day was no less than Jesus Christ, the creative, life-giving Word of God, born to us on Christmas Day.

 

The new reality born on that first Christmas was no less than a new creation. The children of God, who had stumbled in the darkness of our Sin, could now walk in the life-giving light of God. “No more would sins and sorrows grow. No more would thorns infest the ground.”

 

Christ had come to make the blessing of salvation known to all people.  Christ had come to reveal the mystery of God’s love. The Word became flesh.

 

According to John, in the birth of Christ, the life-giving Word of God with God at Creation was coming into the world. To prepare the people to see this Light, God sent a man named John, John the Baptizer, who would preach the good news of God’s forgiveness and call the people to repentance. Though John was not the light of God, he would bear witness that “the True Light” of God was coming into the world.

 

John tells us, Jesus was in the world and, though the world had been born in him, the world did not recognize him. Though Jesus became human, teaching, healing and loving God’s children with whom he shared the life-giving love of God, he was rejected by many. “But to all who received him, who believed in his name, he gave power to become children of God, who were born, not of blood or of the will of the flesh or of the will of man, but of God.”

 

John ends his prologue with the proclamation that the great mystery of God’s love has been revealed. “The Word became flesh and lived among us, and we have seen his glory, the glory as of a father’s only son, full of grace and truth.”

 

John’s gospel is the good news of new beginnings. Something has happened in this life, which offers us the opportunity, the invitation, to become new people.  Because the Word became flesh and lived among us, we can be the people we were created to be. This is the great mystery of God’s love revealed. We can be truly human.  Will we believe the truth of this good news?  Will we receive Christ this Christmas day? How shall we deal with the Christ-child?

 

This is the question asked by Dietrich Bonhoeffer, on Christmas Day of 1940, less than three years before he was imprisoned.

 

“How shall we deal with such a child? Have our hands, soiled with daily toil, become too hard and too proud to fold in prayer at the sight of this child?  Has our head become too full of serious thoughts…. That we cannot bow our head in humility at the wonder of this child? Can we not forget all our stress and struggles, our sense of importance, and for once worship the child, as did the shepherd and the wise men from the East, bowing before the divine child in the manger like children?”

 

People of faith, as we prepare to receive Christ in this season of Christmas, I would invite you to come, as a child, to the manger.  Set aside your cares and your concerns; enjoy this moment away from the chaos and the noise of our culture; and, prayerfully, rejoice in the mystery of God’s love revealed to you this day. For it is the season, when God’s creative, life-giving Word became human and we have seen his glory, the glory of a father’s only begotten son, full of grace and truth.

 

See you in church!

Sark bites — Pre-Alamo Bowl edition

Here is a link to the full quotes from the press conference of UW coach Steve Sarkisian and Baylor coach Art Briles today.

Here are a few highlights from Sarkisian’s end of it:

Opening comments: “Again, I’d like to thank Valero and the Alamo Bowl for the hospitality we’ve received since we’ve been here. This has been nothing short of a first‑class event thus far. The hospitality we’ve received not only from the Bowl but from the entire community of San Antonio has been tremendous. I know you our kids have enjoyed ourselves.

Just like anything, come the end of the week, I think we’re excited to go play the game. That’s why we’re here. We’ve got a tremendous opponent in Baylor, and what Coach Briles has done and his team, obviously a very exciting football team. We’re excited to play. The 8:00 kickoff is a killer, long time waiting around tomorrow, but we’ll try to find something to do.

But again, just to reiterate, it’s been a fantastic week. The hospitality has been tremendous, and very honored to represent the University of Washington and the Pac‑12 conference in the game.”

On going against a Heisman winner: “Well, now I’ve kind of been on it from both sides of the fence, having some time at SC there with some different guys, when Carson (Palmer) won it and when Reggie (Bush) won it and heading into those games. I think it generates some obvious national excitement to the game, to where the national media is very interested in our ballgame, maybe a little bit more so than they would be otherwise.

I don’t think that Baylor ourselves are preparing any harder because of Robert winning the Heisman Trophy, but I do know it’s great exposure for both of our clubs in this game because I do think there’s going to be a few more eyes on the ballgame and the interest level is there and it’s piqued there and deservedly so. Robert is a tremendous player, and I think as we learned here, especially throughout the month of December, not only is he a tremendous player, he’s a great person, and you could see that in the interview process.

I think he represents Baylor University extremely well, and I think he represents college football extremely well. On that note, I think it just adds to the excitement of the ballgame. But again, I don’t think that we’re preparing any harder because of that or Coach Briles and his staff are preparing any harder because of that. I think we’ve prepared the same way regardless.”

On what the game means for the seniors who were 0-12 in 2008 and now have gone to two straight bowl games: “Well, it means a lot. As you guys know, I’m not a big, kind of, reflection-type guy, sit back and reflect on the times that we’ve had and what we’ve been able to do. But this month I have in a sense because of — again, because of what our seniors have been through from the very beginning to where they are now, and we kind of do a senior salute here the last day of practice, which was yesterday, with the guys and brought them up and reiterated that to them, as well. None of what we’ve done in three years could have ever been possible without the efforts and the willingness that goes guys put into this thing. They deserve all of this that they’re receiving.

I’m very, very happy for them to get this opportunity to go to their second straight Bowl game, a fantastic game. Again, wouldn’t be where we were without them, and just — you think about the roller coaster that they were on from day one to where they are today, they’ve left a mark on our program, and they should be proud of that.”

On flying under the radar against a Heisman winner: “I don’t know. Again, I talked about this last year, and kind of to reiterate what I said about Robert winning the Heisman. Again, I don’t think that we’re preparing any harder because we’re underdogs. You know, I think we’ve got a formula that we feel like is successful that prepares ourselves for Bowl games, and we utilize the formula. And that wouldn’t matter if we were a 30‑point underdog or a two‑touchdown favorite. That’s never going to change, at least as long as I’m here.

We’ve got a formula that we believe in, and much like last year with Nebraska, revenge last year wasn’t I don’t think a reason why our kids went out and played well in the game. I think it’s because we prepared well, and we believed in the process and believed in the plan and went out and executed the plan and prepared ourselves mentally, physically and emotionally for that moment.

Hopefully one of these days we’ll be a favorite in a game, in a Bowl game. That means we’re getting better and we’re improving. But until then, this is where we are, and we’ve just got to continue to work and grind at it, and that’s not going to — again, that’s not going to affect the way we prepare or the way our kids believe in themselves or whatnot. That’s the perception of what’s going to happen in the game. We have to ultimately go out and play the game.”

On Keith Price’s condition: “Well, probably the best he’s been since the beginning of the season, since the initial — when he injured his first knee there early in the season there, I think it just — from a movement standpoint he feels good, and I think from a movement standpoint it makes him psychologically feel good, too. He feels better about himself, the smile is probably a little bigger now as he’s getting going, and it’s been obviously advantageous for Keith to have four weeks to get ready for this game, not only mentally and understanding the game plan but physically to get his body right. I do know that he feels good, and it’s noticeable. I can definitely see that he feels much better.”

On how the offense will be different with Price healthier: “Well, I don’t think that we’re going to change a whole lot. I think there were specific games this year especially where I just knew he couldn’t move very well and we had to protect him that way, whether it was via protections or whether it was via getting the ball out of his hands much quicker. I do think now that he’s got the ability to maybe extend plays a little longer like he had been earlier in the year, and so I think you’ll see a little bit more of that maybe just from his natural play maybe more so than what we’re doing schematically offensively.”

On being more impressed with Robert Griffin III after studying him on film: “Robert, he’s just a tad better athlete than I was when I played (laughter), so yeah, I appreciated the heck out of the guy. I mean, he — you watch him, and before you do anything, you always look at a guy’s stats and you look at a team’s stats and you’re wondering, okay, what’s going on here. To think, okay, at I don’t know how many games of the year, Coach, but at one point he’s got more touchdown passes than incompletions, and I think it’s about four games into the season, and you think to yourself, well, he must just be dinking and dunking the ball around, and then you turn on the film, and they are chunking the ball down the field. So the accuracy down the field, I think, was what first got me going, wow, this kid is special.

And then obviously the play‑making ability, his understanding of their scheme, his ability to keep the tempo at the up‑tempo speed that they play at, and then to throw in the fact that the guy can run. He’s just one of the best players I’ve seen, and I’ve been around some pretty good ones. But I think more so than just being a great quarterback, he’s a great football player, and that’s what makes great quarterbacks. He’s a great football player.”

On the challenge of facing a balanced offense: “Well, I think that’s the beauty of football in the sense that why I love offensive football, and I’m sure Coach Briles does, as well. The more things you can do really well, the tougher it is to stop, and to have balance on your offensive football team where you can run the football, throw the football, utilize the play action pass game, spread people out, run with the quarterback, the more you do well, the tougher it is to stop. Ultimately in this game these are two teams that can do a lot of different things, and that’s what makes the challenge of playing defense.

I don’t envy our two coordinators in this game, at least on the preparation side of it. Nick was pulling out whatever hairs he had left there getting ready for the game here. That’s a challenge, but that’s the beauty of football. That’s why we do what we do. You love that side of it and you love the preparation aspect of it. You love the teaching to the players of getting them prepared, and it’s in all three phases quite honestly. But these just happen to be two very balanced offensive football teams that are extremely challenging on defenses.”

On Chris Polk: “Well, a tremendous career, first of all, for Chris, up to this point. To go over 1,000 yards three consecutive seasons and to be knocking on the career rushing record’s door here at the University of Washington says a great deal when you look at the quality of backs that have come through this University.

As I’ve touched on with Chris, the growth that he’s made from the day we stepped on campus, not only on the football field but in his personal life, in the classroom, has been the thing that has probably been most impressive to me and makes you as coaches — there’s little things that make you proud along the way, and he’s definitely one of them.

The fact that he’s already earned his degree from the University of Washington, the fact that he’s probably been, and this is not to take anything away from a guy by the name of Jake Locker, away from him, but he’s probably been the biggest reason why we’ve climbed as quickly as we’ve climbed from the depths of 0 and 12 is our ability to win all of the times that have gotten tough on us, to rely on No. 1 to run the football, to win tough games late in the season, and his not only physical but mental toughness to take on those amounts of carries and to practice the way he’s practiced speaks volumes. I think back to the beginning of the season. There’s so much that happened since August to get to this point. Eight days before our first ballgame he’s having knee surgery to get himself prepared to play, and he wasn’t not going to play in that game. He was playing in that game, and he goes out and I think he rushes for 130‑something yards, and it’s just ho‑hum. Chris goes for 130 and ho‑hum.

I couldn’t thank probably one player more than this guy for what he’s given to our program and hopefully we get him for 13 more after this one, but we’ll see. Chris and his family and myself have a tough decision to make after this game, and we’ll put all the facts and the much needed information on the table, and again, we’ll make a really educated decision. He’ll make an educated decision, one that he feels great about and his family feels great about and one which we can support him with, whatever that is.”

On how the team has handled the departure of cornerbacks coach Demetrice Martin: “I didn’t notice it, quite honestly. I think Donte Williams has done a tremendous job, our graduate assistant, stepping in and coaching the corners. That’s his specialty. As you guys all well know, our practices are pretty spirited as it is, and so quite honestly no, and that’s not to slight Demetrice. Demetrice is a very good football coach. I just think that one individual or two or three aren’t going to change the way that 130 go out and approach the day, and so I thought our guys have practiced extremely well. It’s been spirited, it’s been competitive, and so that’s where I feel like we’re at. I feel like we’ve had a nice month to get ready for the game.”

On preparing the defense for Baylor’s offense: “Well, I think the first is, especially early on in our preparation, the one thing that is the hardest to simulate when you’re getting prepared for an offense like Baylor is the speed factor. Kendall Wright is a tremendous receiver, and the speed at which he plays the game, he’s got tremendous football speed.

So one thing we did try to do earlier in this preparation process is we did a lot of ones versus ones to where Sean Parker, Cort Dennison, Desmond Trufant were defending Jermaine Kearse, Kasen Williams, Devin Aguilar, Keith Price, Chris Polk, so to get the speed of that to where it needs to be to get themselves prepared, but ultimately you’ve got to understand schemes and you’ve got to understand leverage, and you’d better know which guys are fast and which guys aren’t so you take good leverage, because if you don’t they’re going to run right by you.”

On Baylor’s offensive tempo being similar to Oregon’s: “I think it’s helpful for sure. Our guys have seen the speed at which they go and I think that what we’ve done offensively in incorporating some no huddle stuff and an up-tempo level of play dating all the way back to last spring has helped in that as well. That was strategically part of why we did it. It’s added a dimension to our football team that has been good for our offense, but has helped our defense to feel comfortable in that setting. I think that so much of the no huddle offense is that it doesn’t feel comfortable for many; it almost feels chaotic and that’s the worst-case scenario for a defense. You’ve got to find your comfort zone and I think our defense has done a better job of that.”

On how hard it is to substitute against a no-huddle offense: “I think they key is that you need to sub early in the game. You can’t wait until a guy gets tired. You have to have a rotation in place. You have to sub early so that in the third and fourth quarters of the game, your guys are still somewhat fresh and not so fatigued.

On Chris Polk’s future and the dynamics involved in the decision: “The dynamic is just the different position and assessing the draft that way. For Chris at this point, this is a business decision. This isn’t a matter of what feels fun or what feels right. He’s earned his degree and played great football for us. Now the question is, ‘Is this the right draft for me?’ and ‘Am I projected in the right spot to do what I know I’m capable of doing?’ and ‘Could I benefit more and could I improve more by coming back next season and what might the draft look like next year?’. That’s what a lot of the discussion needs to be about. It’s not about emotion or taking a certain number of carries. That’s the tough realities to go through. We’ll go through it all and we’ll do it the right way.”

On when the evaluation will come: “We’ll assess it right when we get back, quite honestly. The NFL advisory is back, we know.”

On closing practices down here: “Yeah. I felt like it was needed for us. We’ve been exposed now for quite some time and I felt like when you come down here and we get ready for the game, we needed an intimate setting for us. I thought it has gone very well and our kids have responded to it. In some aspects, they’ve almost embraced it. That’s not forever. For these five practices, I felt it was needed and it’s gone well for us.”

On if there will be a change in anything due to the closed practices: “I don’t think you can change everything. I think as always when you have good coaching staffs that there’s going to be new wrinkles to different things. You can’t install a brand new offense or defense in three weeks. But there will be some wrinkles I’m sure for both teams that will be unique to this game. Some will go unnoticed quite honestly and some will be obvious to the common fan’s eyes.”

How to Find Inner Freedom

All human beings have a variety of core needs. We all need to feel loved. The desire for love can drive our behavior in all areas of our lives.

Another basic need humans strive toward is freedom. On one level we seek the freedom from different emotional painful states of consciousness. We look for freedom from fear, and we create many strategies to feel safe. The tricky side of this is that the part of us that experiences ourselves as separate from the divine will never feel safe. And all means to find safety usually create more pain and suffering.

In Medicine for the Earth I wrote about Jack Schwarz, who was able to heal his wounds while being tortured by the Nazis. He was able to achieve a state of oneness with the universe in which there was no way to hurt him. While Jack Schwarz was in this state he could not be in an egoic state feeling fear. The state of oneness had to be complete for such a miraculous act to occur.

For many of us on a spiritual path we go back and forth between separate states of consciousness and divine states. The mind comes in and tells us what we should fear. Then our spirit, which is divine, comes in and says fear is an illusion for as a spirit we cannot die or be hurt. We waver back and forth. True freedom comes when we can be released from this wavering back and forth. One key is for us to choose spiritual practices that we feel passionate about committing to that will lead us to a deeper state of experiencing a state of oneness. This of course is a work in progress.

The key is finding balance, for we do have egos that experience ourselves as separate. And yet as we experience our spiritual light and oneness all things are possible.

To continue our journey toward freedom, we must keep surrendering our egoic desires to the divine within. I use the words “to continue our journey” for we have been on this journey whether we have been conscious of it or not. Walking on a spiritual path means walking toward freedom. True freedom lives within.

We don’t always know what our soul’s journey has in store for us. But there are so many opportunities we are not exploring as we try to control our destiny. To surrender our destiny to our divine light brings us to truly manifesting what will create true joy, wealth and health on all levels.

We are all going through an initiation. The planet is going through an initiation and we cannot separate ourselves from the whole. An initiation is an experience that takes us from the past and brings us to a new place in life that we have never experienced before.

Initiations demand us to discover new ways of thinking and making new choices that we have never tried before. What we have used in the past will no longer work.

For years we have been watching organizations, whether they are business, religious or spiritual, starting to be challenged in maintaining power and their hold over us. Organizations give us “manuals” of how to live our lives and also how to solve different problems.

One reason organizations are so challenged today is because the “manuals” for how to operate in life are outdated. We have the download of the true “manual” and “operating instructions” inside of us.

The goal of spiritual paths is to bring us in touch with our own divinity and creative genius. All of us have the same creative potential. To believe that only some people have the answers will not move us into creating a healthy planet. Of course we all bring through different answers on different levels as we all express our unique gifts and talents. We all bring through aspects of divinity like a diamond has different facets that come together to shine brilliant and dazzling light.

When we begin to surrender our destiny to the divine within we begin to manifest a new path in our lives. When we truly honor the unique gifts, talents and strengths that we came into the world with we truly add strength to our global community. As we continue forward on working with spiritual tools we move toward a greater sense of freedom.

What is needed right now is for us to start to act with spontaneity. For if we watch what life is bringing to us the energy that is manifesting in our lives is unexpected. The ego fears the unexpected. It is our spirit that meets the energy of the unexpected with a sense of wonder and spontaneity.

Here are a couple of ways to work as we begin to welcome in the new year. This month I would like to ask you to list qualities of the creator or creative forces of the universe you would like to emulate. Pick at least one quality and to find different ways to manifest this quality into your life and into the world.

Come up with your own unique way of problem-solving. If you work with clients, go within and ask for a way of working that you have never tried before. If you are dealing with a challenge in your own life, go within and ask for a completely new way to meet the challenge that life has brought to you as an opportunity for growth.

Throw away “old life manuals” and “operating instructions.” They have been incredibly useful and have provided you with a solid foundation that has brought you to where you are right now. Reach within for new instructions. You will be in complete awe of what you are shown. The new that is revealed to you holds the promise of new life, joy, wealth and health beyond anything your egoic mind can come up with.

Sandra Ingerman, M.A., is the author of eight books, including “Soul Retrieval,” “Medicine for the Earth,” “Shamanic Journeying: A Beginner’s Guide,” “How to Heal Toxic Thoughts,” “How to Thrive in Changing Times” and “Awakening to the Spirit World: The Shamanic Path of Direct Revelation.” Sandra teaches workshops internationally on shamanic journeying, healing and reversing environmental pollution using spiritual methods. Sandra is a licensed marriage and family therapist, a professional mental health counselor and a board-certified expert on traumatic stress. To order Sandra’s books and to read her blog, visit her on Red Room or at sandraingerman.com.

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Teen Obesity Linked to Poor Mother-Child Bond

Researchers from Ohio State University analyzed data from a study following nearly 1,000 children from infancy through the ninth grade and found that children who were “insecurely attached” or otherwise showed signs of a poor maternal relationship before age 3 were more likely to be obese at 15.

Their results, published in the journal Pediatrics, add another layer to the complex question of childhood obesity. Teenagers who had relationship difficulties with their mothers at a young age were more than two times more likely to be overweight than those who didn’t — but as the researchers adjusted for other factors that correlate with teenage obesity, such as maternal education and household income, the gap narrowed.

Sarah Anderson, lead author of the study, hopes the research will be used to support better-quality maternal-child relationships. “The sensitivity a mother displays in interacting with her child may be influenced by factors she can’t necessarily control,” she said, and, as parents, most of us can imagine many such “factors.” The amount of time a single working mother, or a mother in a household that needs two incomes, spends searching for quality child care or for secure employment. The need to find health care for an underinsured family member.

Those are far from the only stresses that might come between a mother’s ability to act sensitively with an infant or toddler, but if those common stressors for families are contributing to an obesity epidemic among our children, then funding a search for a cure for that epidemic becomes more than a little ironic.

Loving your way to market leadership

Words have such great power, singly and when strung together as phrases or sentences. Whether in the arts, business and most certainly politics they are powerful weapons to excite, inspire and motivate. While most gain their power from the context of their use—as Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream” or Komatsu’s “Beat Caterpillar”, others can move people and nations merely through cadence or repetition—as Karunanidhi in Tamil Nadu or Jesse Jackson in the US have demonstrated. Words, however common, can just as easily demoralize and depress as any teenager can attest. However, even the most powerful words can lose their potency when overused.

Customer Intimacy, Fred Wiersema, Knowledge Exchange, 1996

Several years ago, The Telegraph (UK), published the 10 most overused business phrases to avoid. For those curious, the top five were: thinking out of the box, touch base, at the end of the day, going forward and all of it. Similarly, this year LinkedIn, the popular business networking site, released the most overused words in its members’ profiles. This included terms such as extensive experience, innovative, motivated, results-oriented, dynamic, proven track record, team player, fast-paced, problem solver and entrepreneurial. So it would appear while we urge one another to be creative and entrepreneurial (or God forbid, intrapreneurial) we are not so when it comes to using words at work. For balance it is worth noting that businesses have been extremely creative in giving birth to and propagating euphemisms to avoid seemingly unpleasant words—rightsizing instead of firing or physically challenged for disabled.

It is far more revealing to look at words that are avoided or rarely used in the business context. Words such as happiness, intimacy and love. At first glance these not only appear inappropriate—words we usually associate with the personal sphere rather than professional workplace. Yet, we do use some of them in a business context as long as they are about other people or things—such as happy customers or loving a product. The word intimate particularly seems to be taboo (from the Tongan tabu) in the business context.  Most dictionaries define intimate as “closely acquainted; familiar, close as in: intimate friends” or “having or creating an informal friendly atmosphere as in: an intimate little Italian restaurant”. The word is all too often perceived as yet another euphemism, for hanky-panky in the office such as when you say two people are intimate.

Yet, this is the word Fred Wiersema, consultant and management strategist, uses for the title of his book Customer Intimacy. In the hoary tradition of other business researchers Wiersema sets out to find out how companies become market leaders and more importantly, why only some are able to retain their market leadership. His research resulted in an earlier book, The Discipline of Market Leaders, co-authored with Michael Treacy. The heart of their findings was that market leaders use one of three strategies—or value disciplines—to choose their customers and narrow their focus to dominate their markets. These three strategies were “product leadership” as Intel and more recently Google have employed, “operational excellence” as Dell, Wal-Mart or Big Bazaar have pursued or “customer intimacy” as Home Depot, Nordstrom or Staples have done.

Customer Intimacy is a follow-on book that dives deeper into this value discipline. Unlike product leadership, particularly well suited for high complexity technology businesses and operational excellence with its key focus on cost leadership, customer intimacy is a value discipline well suited for a wide variety of service and commodity product businesses. Equally applicable to the neighbourhood kirana (grocery) or barber shop and to a national chain of quick service restaurants, customer intimacy is not any easier than the other two strategies.

Nor does it stand alone to the exclusion of the other values, but requires threshold standards for product and operational dimensions.

Customer intimacy is a lot of hard work—hence his choice of the word “discipline”—a wonderfully loaded term, which along with threshold, has deep roots in our school-going days. Certainly worth getting reacquainted with. 

K Srikrishna is the executive director of the National Entrepreneurship Network. He writes about issues that business leaders and managers face and books that could help.

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